


trapped

by hiatuskid



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Angst, Anorexia, Body Image, Bulimia, EDNOS, Eating Disorders, No Smut, Sad, body dymorphia, josh dun - Freeform, self hatred, tyler is sad, tyler joseph - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-12
Updated: 2019-06-12
Packaged: 2020-05-01 20:49:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19185292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hiatuskid/pseuds/hiatuskid
Summary: tyler is trapped in a never-ending cycle of hurt.





	trapped

**Author's Note:**

> hey guys i hope this one is ok, warning bc it gets pretty gross and graphic in the middle. i wanted to show the harsh, heartbreaking reality of this disease. this is basically describing my life right now, too :( ily all stay safe <3 sorry for any typos

the guilt melts down his body like wax. rolling, covering his precious bones like dirt covering a diamonds. it built itself upon his hips, his stomach, his arms his thighs. take didn’t know guilt could take the form of fat on his body.

he wishes he could carve it away. take a blade and slice into his thighs, pulling away fat until his skin touches muscle, take all the fat off his ridiculously jiggly arms and calves and just fucking get rid of it. sometimes he contemplates doing that. if only he could without bleeding out.

instead, he tries to carve it from the inside out. starving, and rather than just cutting it out, burning it away. 

1,000 calories a day, he says. wake up, gave a banana. he tried skipping breakfast completely, but learned that’d lead him on to binge sooner (and draw attention from his parents). a full water bottle of water in each of his morning classes to keep him “full.” lunch - baby carrots, lettuce, flavored zero cal water, and a banana or apple. he needs to keep at least enough food in his system to stop a binge at home. he’s getting shaky. after school is where it gets harder. he’ll have a small apple to give his body something to work with, even though it’s not deserved or earned. dinner was the worst, because he didn’t know what to expect. his parents never really had a plan of what to make so he was always on edge because he knew he’d have to eat with them. he’ll go for vegetables - maybe a full bag of green beans first to fill him up, and some rice or eggs his parents make. most nights, he’ll have to have some dark chocolate or plain white popcorn to hold off a binge. theme hates that he’s not strong enough but he has to do what he has to do.

he can follow this pattern for a few days. he wishes he could do it all the time. but he’s too weak, and sometimes, his little tricks don’t work, and things go wrong.

he’s too fucking weak to starve, too much of a fucking faliure to be a real anorexic and be skinny. every damn time he goes to therapy, he leave feeling like hey, maybe i am sick enough, maybe i’ll try to eat. but god, his body craves food and he just can’t help himself, can he? and he’ll go home and binge. he’ll have some ice cream, a bag of chips, god this tastes so good, he’ll have some juice too, and a few cookies, and he wishes he could go on like this forever.

and in about 20 minutes, the rush is over. he tells his parents he needs to shower and bolts to the bathroom as soon as he can. the water covers the sounds of him pushing three fingers down his throat, past the knuckle. it doesn’t feel good at first - uncomfortable. but in just a few seconds the ice cream come up smooth and cold and sweet, with the remains of dinner. after two or three goes, the ice cream is out, and here comes the solids, mush and chunks of cookies and chips and red juice that resembles blood coming up and out, onto the floor. his throat is burning, his fingers massaging stomach acid into his already inflamed throat. even though tyler can feel his stomach getting emptier, sometimes he can’t pull out his hand quick enough and the big chunks of food hit it, and push it back down, so he either has to cough it up or let it slide back down so he can try again. pretty fucking gross. after a good 10, 15, 20 times of vomiting, he knows the most of it is out and if he keeps going he’ll start gagging and his parents will hear. tyler shudders, shakes, about to collapse from dehydration as he uses his foot to push the remaining chunks down the drain and if that doesn’t work once the shower is off he’ll pick it up and put it in toilet paper to bring to his room to throw away. 

his head hurts. he’s tired, he’s sore, he’s hungry but somehow also sickeningly full. he thinks for a moment, this isn’t normal, im hurting myself, i need help. he ponders for a moment before once again laying is tired head agist his pillow and taking a laxative pill (he knows they aren’t good for getting out calories, but the get out a lot of water and at least a few calories and the number on the scale goes down just the same so he might as well). 

tyler is miserable. he knows he’ll never be thin, never go back to his anorexia fully, be trapped in this bulimic hell forever. tyler can’t stop.


End file.
